I'd like to be..... under the sea..... in an

................ I went on a 'date' last Friday night............. with an octopus

Don't get me wrong...... i have nothing against octopodes, per se...... and i've only ever really seemed to have had anything to do with sharks, so an octopus made for an interesting change

I'm sure, however, that this one had more than the obligatory eight arms though .........

The situation reminded me of the well-travelled viral joke:

A man walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus, he can play any musical instrument in the world.

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, so he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up to the bar with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix ever did. So the punter pays his £50, and retires, wounded.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the punter pays his £50, and walks off, shaking his head in disbelief.
A Scotsman walks up to the bar with a set of bagpipes. He sits them down beside the octopus. The octopus fumbles with them for a while and sits them down with a confused look on his face.
"Ha!" the Scotsman says. "Ye cannae play it, can ye?"
The octopus looks the Scotsman in the eye and says,

"Play it? I'm going to shag it as soon as I can get its pyjamas off"...

Like the joke, my date was fun and amusing....... and as confusing as being accosted by a talking octopus in a bar would be. Octopodes are not renowned for their animated faces and neither, it would appear, was my 'date'. His expressions ranged from blank.... to pensive......... through concerned.......... to blank.

There was only really one tell-tale sign that he was enjoying himself and i'm not referring to his occasional smile. Aside from that...... i was unable to 'read' him at all,

I found this disturbing......... i had absolutely NO way of knowing if he was bored........ interested......... or just biding his time........well, the metaphorical pyjamas would have to be coaxed off at one point, right?

So...... i was obviously the bagpipes in this scenario.....i say obviously, since i have been known to spout a fair bit of hot air, make a ghastly noise on occasion and have been likened to an haggard old bag. Give her a squeeze and she moans....... more likely to be 'wheeze' these days since i'm smoking more than i should..... oh well! Having a set of bagpipes with you on a date has to be better than having a fiddle, right? Well ok.......... maybe not......

While i'm not going to go into detail about whether the night became a musical soiree...... whether there were any duets or simply soloists playing....... or if the night climaxed in a symphony of orchestral manoevers..... suffice it to say that i've been left wondering if i've been 'played'.

Having said that....... i'm not really bothered. There was no love pledged..... no promises of future musical interludes.... just many unanswered questions:

• Was his back really ok?
• Did i just lose my earring? Or did he really eat it? he denied it of course........
• When he suggested i get counselling, was he serious? Yes.....ok...... a stupid question
• Was he bored? Or had he overdone the Botox?
• Was he really as attractive and as sexy as i thought...... or was i the one that was bored...... of life?

I suppose i'll never really know....... but that's the way Derrida would have us see it......... nothing concrete....... only spaces and more grey........

I doubt Derrida was a great musician though........ or he'd know that playing a tune once isn't as satisfactory as getting a chance to practice it a second time..... but what i AM sure of, is that i'm grateful that i chose an octopus

and didn't end up with plankton or a jellyfish.......

or crabs..........