Tristan's lament.....

........ been really ill

Am off to hospital in the morning for 3 days.......

Let's see what the future brings......

Like Tristan........

.........i am waiting

Killing the patients... one step at a time....

I was kissed by an angel tonight..... metaphorically of course

I received an e-greetings card........ not unusual in itself i admit........ but it was sent from my cuddly toy piglet.... Percy. It was of a singing piglet wishing me well and hoping that i cheered up soon. I'll admit to being elated........ full of wonderment........ joy..... and then confusion.

I looked back onto the bed, where i knew Furry Piglet was..... You're not real..... how.....

Not being very well at the moment.... my mind flew from thoughts of scammers, phishers and how did someone get the password to his email account.......

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YES!!! he has an email account........ i'm not proud.... it was set up as a joke to send emails to a friend.... who i thought might find it amusing......

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I then immediately logged into his email account - well, he couldn't very well do it himself.... NOT being REAL and all - to change his password........ before writing to a friend that i thought could have possibly sent the e-greetings card.

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To cut a long story shorter...... (oh yes, it could be a LOT longer, when i lived in Egypt someone named the Rose of Alexandria.... what he didn't know was that i was the original rambling rose)... it WAS this friend that had thought of me and had reached out to touch me with her affection and concern.

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It's just amazing that she'd chosen to do this at this time....... what a precious moment.

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Quirky, sincere and touching......

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which is when i realised that i needn't have changed the account's password since

you can send a card from any email address without accessing it...... DOH!

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So thanks to her.... as in the Hindu proverb.....i'm killing my first patient tonight......... and trying to accept that i may be worthy..... and that my beauty as a person, is in the eye of the beholder.....

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Sick...... tired......... luggage under eyes....... that's all you get.

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Me....

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Not pretending to be anyone else......

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and at least one person out there loves me just as i am....... thank you for that moment

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Who cares if i'm not good enough....

that's all there is

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Sick and proud!

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near....

...... and wasn't Andrew Marvell right. Although, it's obviously subjective and some flow through Life without noticing Time's passage, or the changing hues of the leaves, let alone hear the calls of the dead urging us on....... onwards and upwards.... or downwards in some cases....

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Today, as i have the past few months, i've been hearing their heady whipsers every time i take a breath.

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This certainly isn't a freaky suicide note..... it's more of a realisation that i'm treading water...... legs moving..... but being in the same place and nothing actually having changed, apart from the growing wrinkles on my water sodden body and the clouds above me... chasing each other on the turbulent winds of Time

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Have i really not changed? I'm not so oblivious not to have noticed the obvious...... maybe it's because i do explore various avenues available to me....... but just as i come to the junction that will take me to a new life, i don't walk but parachute jump myself back to where i started.

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It would seem that my belief in Mother Nature isn't strong enough for me to make the same leaps of faith that the ducklings made....... maybe i'm afraid of being the one that i watched die....... but if that's the worst that could happen.... would that be so bad? If i'm treading water and still looking up to see the same sky..... would i notice the difference?

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Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.
Rodin (1840 - 1917)

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But is all this time, looking up at the same sky, squandered time? What does Rodin mean by use the experience wisely? Is he saying that we should endeavour to learn from our experiences and change our future behaviour accordingly or is the learning enough even if we chose to ignore any advice it would seem to bestow upon us? Many people can share the same experience and yet come away from it with differing knowledge.

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Does that make the indivdual lesson any less valuable?

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There's a Hindu proverb which says:

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No physician is really good before

he has killed one or two patients

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Well, thankfully for the world, i am NOT a doctor.... but i'm not sure i subscribe to that theory anyway.... i work in the NHS and am well aware of pending legal cases or ones ignored by the GMC...... it would appear that some doctors simply become really good at killing patients...... now they HAVE learnt from their experiences but does their knowledge have any value?

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I prefer the Chinese proverb which might be part of the reason i'm so restless...... it wisely says:

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Fool me once, shame on you;

fool me twice, shame on me

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And that's the crux of the matter..... however wise i become from my experiences, there are some mistakes i seem to be unable to avoid, over and over again.

I say wise, since others use me as a sounding board........ they tell me things they don't tell others....... i'm easy to talk to? I'm an open book? I have that sort of face? It's been suggested to me, recently, at work that i really should charge for my services..... should become a counsellor..... or Life Coach (i had to stop myself from being violently sick after that was mentioned........ Life Coach indeed). The only sort of Life Coach i could see myself becoming is one that takes people on a magical mystery tour... which would probably break down in the middle of nowhere....... right where i am now.

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ALL ABOARD!!!

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• Why do i spend money i don't have?
• Why do i fall in love with men that don't want me?
• Why do i give more than i have?
• Why do i smoke?
• Why do i eat more chocolate and drink more coffee than nutritional food?
• Why does everything bore me?
• Why do i sit at the pc all day, like today, when it hurts my head and eyes to do so?
• Why can't i let things go?
• Why can't i forget?
• Why do i forget things i shouldn't?
• Why am i so self critical to the point of destruction?
• Why do i ask questions that i know the answer to?

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ALIGHT HERE FOR TOWN OF THE BLEEDING OBVIOUS!!

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Let's not

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I received a book yesterday called Law after ground zero..... and in looking through the contents i was confronted with a figure from my past........ someone who affected my views and future...... but only because i allowed him to. I could have forgotten, i could have moved on. He has.

R.L..... author of chapter Palestine/Israel: Conflict at the crossroads

My ex.... the journalist no less. I wonder if he's as surprised as i am at the news! We were friends.... the best of friends.... he told me something he'd never told anyone else..... ever and probably never will..... i reciprocated.

I wonder if he's forgotten.......

His secret is safe with me.........

Even if in the end....... i wasn't good enough for him, not for friendship but as a lover and future partner. There was no way i could fulfil his need to continue his arab legacy.... my being italian was a slight genetic flaw in the plan.

When i was younger i always believed that i too would continue the italian bloodline......... not taint it with foreign genes....... how naive i was....

Who would have thought that the mental illness that we call love would make you abandon all your earlier concerns and strength of purpose.

An elderly gentleman called Dr Azi Okon once said to me that women were strange creatures........ and he was a feminist...... said that you could never predict where a woman would be buried. Not because her career or needs would take her across our world boundaries........ but because she always followed her heart instead of her head. She'd uproot her life to be with the man in her life.... rather than negotiate and let them follow her future and forge a joint future out of hers instead of his.....

I remember grinning and saying not me, azi.... i am in control of my own life and no one will ever lead me astray...

Until.....

....that day.... when mental illness strikes you down. When i explained this theory about women to Thomas recently, he asked me if i'd met that man yet........ I hesitated.... and reluctantly said........... yes

His face beamed in happiness for me and he oozed with who? when? where?

I couldn't reply and had to rush off before the tears got the better of me. Thomas, being a worldly wise, argentinian playboy type with a philosophical bent......... hasn't to this day asked me about it again.

A very astute and intelligent man, is our Thomas......

I also know his secrets....... he doesn't know why he told me either......

So why the tears?

I can only put it down to the self realisation that we're not always who we think we are......... the insurmountable self imposed walls and personal barricades can crumble at the right touch........ or the wrong one.

Perhaps it's the memory of never being good enough........ my parents never praised anything my brother or i ever did, our successes were even denied in the presence of praise from strangers..... our mistakes were constantly highlighted with the glowing maker pen of psychological abuse.

Can't miss them now.....

We can, however, get the graffiti paint and spray cans out and put them to good use to cover up the damage that's already been done..... if we want to that is.........

Time to kill a few more of those patients, i think.........

Copaxone.... yet another prick in my life....

SURPRISE!!

Just when you think you have all the facts and you've made the right decision.... something or someone comes along to show you the errors of your ways........ Don't you just LOVE life's little twists and turns.

Today's my day of being bitter & twisted........ again.

I usually do an incredibly good job of faking strength and nonchalance......... MS? Doesn't affect me or bother me..... it's not a problem.... most of the time you wouldn't even know i had it.......That's not only what i say.... but it's what i think........

....... most of the time.

There are days when i can't pretend anymore, not even to myself....... and those are the hardest.

Like today.

I've not gone to work........ left poor L on her own again..... i could have gone in, i'm not dying, nor sick...... i would seem to have a cranial lesion that's decided that it want to make itself know to me. Well, we're selfish beings, us humans, and we're not aware of the little bits of our bodies that keep them moving, breathing, living..... until they decide 'hey! i'm going to have a lazy day or day off and see what you can do without me'.....

Little bastard.

And here we have an aerial view of the lay of the land and it's field of destruction......

The dark highlighted patch indicates where there is numbness.... meaning that my eye doesn't work as it should...... it won't work happily in conjuction with the other one, meaning that i can't focus properly and it hurts...... i have constant head, neck and shoulder pain........ and i'm sick of it. The one thing that upset me beyond words was being told by L that my eyes had gone crossed..... i was at work and have double vision when i get very tired.... but it's never been that obvious to another before........

I brushed the concerned comment off........ no matter! it happens........ it's ok.

It wasn't ok..... i'm not conventionally attractive.... and have issues about my appearance.... being possibly permanently cross eyed would be the cherry on the cake.... some people i meet already think my behaviour is a little deranged........ oh and being crossed eyed would SOOOOOOOOO enhance that image! Yayy for me......

The constant pain and not being able to focus just reminds me very waking moment that there's something wrong with me........ my body is fighting against me......... and there's absolutely NOTHING i can do about it........

Which brings us to the surprise.......

I've been assessed at the National Hospital for Neurology and Neurosurgery as being sick enough (that's essentially what they're saying) for treatment with Disease Modifying Drugs .......... one of the one common being Beta-Interferon. We, as patients, have to make an informed choice as to which drug we take....... i chose Copaxone.

So i inject myself daily........

The only pricks i've had in me for over a year........

with the Gabapentin for neuropathic pain.... but doesn't seem to work anymore


Glatiramer
Copaxone
Copolymer-1

Such exotic names........ for the same thing.... exotic names for something you put IN your body...... and changes it......... for the better? Well........ the problem is they don't know.

It might work........ but then again.... it might not. Will polluting one's body with this drug help prevent further relaspes? Well......... it might........ but if after a year or so it hasn't made any difference.... well! you can try one of the other ones! Yayy! And will that help Dr? Well it might.........

and then it all starts over again.

Sometimes injecting Copaxone is like injecting acid into yourself...... the seering pain is unbearable...... but for the most part it's ok now. But it's only been about 4 months since i started...... and it should get better as time goes on. BUT... as time goes on, there is also the possiblity of collegen breakdown under the skin........ leaving pits and dents in the flesh........

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Now i understood that when i accepted the Copaxone as my treatment choice........ along with all these other side effects........

Glatiramer may cause side effects. Tell your doctor if any of these symptoms are severe or do not go away:

• pain, redness, swelling, itching, or lump in the place where you injected glatiramer (oh yes)
• weakness
• flushing
• depression (already have that)
• abnormal dreams ( they're more like memories...... they've confused me more than once recently)
• pain in the back, neck, or any other part of the body (have that already)
• severe headache (have that already too)
• loss of appetite (oh yes.... hardly eat anything, well.... apart from the odd bar of chocolate and i STILL get FATTER)
• diarrhea
• upset stomach
• vomiting
• weight gain ( Ahhhhhhhh........... so THAT'S why grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!)
• swelling of the hands, feet, ankles, or lower legs
• purple patches on skin (only the one so far......... on thigh)
• joint pain
• confusion (not sure i can blame the drug for that one)
• nervousness
• crossed eyes (yayy! for that one)
• difficulty speaking ( i believe i had that one before i started too)
• shaking hands that you cannot control ( putting eyeliner on is getting difficult)
• sweating
• ear pain
• painful or changed menstrual periods ( i seem to have menstrual pain every week now)
• vaginal itching and discharge
• urgent need to urinate or defecate
• tightness in muscles
• white patches in the mouth

Some side effects can be serious. The following symptoms are uncommon, but if you experience any of them, call your doctor immediately. In some cases, your doctor may tell you to stop using glatiramer:

• dizziness ( i'm always dizzy..... hard to tell if it's new)
• excessive sweating
• chest pain
• sore throat, fever, chills, and other signs of infection
• runny nose (i'm putting it down to hayfever right now)
• coughing
• fast heartbeat (only when i think about my debts lol)
• fainting
• skin rash
• hives
• itching
• difficulty breathing or swallowing (i choke a lot more than i used to........ and not in a good way either)
• very severe pain at the injection site
  

Glatiramer affects your immune system, so it may increase your risk of developing cancer or a serious infection. Talk to your doctor about the risks of taking this medication.

.......... and THAT was the surprise! NO one ever mentioned that to me..... and i was... errr...... surprised!

On what the heck! What's one more thing added to the litany of possibles.......... cancer? PAH! serious infection? PAH!

Yeah right...... it's moments like this....... when i'm obviously not in control of my body or my life.... that i get scared.

It's these moments that you realise that you are alone........

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Alone, alone, all, all alone, Alone on a wide wide sea!

And never a saint took pity on My soul in agony.

~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge

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But then i should be used to that

Mother Nature's a bitch

For the most part..... if you throw yourself off an impossibly high precipice..... you expect or at the very least hope to die........


If you don't succeed.... then you have an incredibly long and torturous journey dragging your broken body back up again... that is, if you don't die agonizingly in a pile of your own goo.


Then again there are those that are getting an adrenalin rush from a dangerous sport.... or trying to escape a danger and get to safety.... which brings us to what happened a matter of weeks ago and still preys on my mind.

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I was at work, in the back office which looks out onto a car park. I heard what i thought

was a duck.... 'quacking'.... as they do, but thought what the hell is a duck doing outside our window,

in the car park of the hospital?

I peered out and saw a large duck, waddling backwards and forwards QUACKING for all it was worth.

I called L and told her that 'she' (my heart told me it was a Mother Duck) must be calling to it's ducklings. It was too distressed to be doing anything else, i quacked.... well thinking was getting beyond me, since i too was getting upset at the sight of Mother Duck's distress.

I went outside to get closer.... and as i reached MD's (as the Mother Duck will be known as from now on) location, i suddenly noticed a duckling scrabbling around by her webbed feet!

Before i could take it's appearance in.... another one dropped into view. I say 'dropped' because that's what it did.

It seemed to fall from the sky.

I looked up to the roof in amazement and saw nothing.... but MD continued in her fevered quacking and pacing....

the 2 ducklings struggling to keep up with her....

I remember being excited by the sight of new life.... Nature looking after it's own.... a mother anxiously trying to

keep her family together....

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Warm glow.... eager excitement.... that was me.

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I had to rush around some parked cars to keep up with MD and her ducklings as they fumbled through the undergrowth against the buildlings, i wanted to see where the other ducklings were and if they were safe and

that's when i looked roofwards and saw other ducklings perched on the edge, squeaking at their mother.... frantic below them.

By then, my own scrambling had drawn the attention of another passer by, who also stopped to watch the spectacle.

I remember him saying, as a matter of course, Oops! there goes another one!

and as i turned to look, another had thrown itself off the roof....

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I was stunned but elated to see the duckling bounce back onto it's little webbed feet and join it's siblings and then suddenly, they were on the move again...

MD had waddled at great speed to the front of the building, the stranded ducklings mimicking her every direction on the roof.

MD stopped at a break in the bushes and ivy that clung desperately to the side of our building, and her and her fluffy young gathered in the shadowed alcove... still crying out.

A woman joined me and the man.... staring at the roof, cursing the MD for laying her eggs on the roof, whilst willing the remaining ducklings to find a way down that wouldn't involve any pain to them.

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There appeared to be about 4 left up there... but everytime we took a breath, one of them would launch itself into the air and thankfully, find its way to it's feet and huddle to it's mother...

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except

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one

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It happened so quickly that we barely noticed.... it hadn't thrown itself far enough from the edge of the building and fell, thrashing, through the ivy and landed on the concrete, a small distance from the rest.

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We held our breath and waited, hoped, it would spring to it's little feet as the others had done

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but then another duckling threw itself off the roof and our attention was drawn to it, sighs of relief and broad grins as it popped up and joined its family....

except

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It was still lying on it's side.... it's soft downy chest... rising and falling.....

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but not moving

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That's when we noticed that all the other ducklings had safely made their leaps into the unknown.

The quacking had stopped....

and we also fell silent.....

as we watched the delicate rise and fall of the mortally injured duckling's chest

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stop

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We were still taking it's death in, when a brusque australian physio rushed over, trying to mobilise us into action.

he wanted a box, us to act as herders, quick, hurry, come on, we need to take the duck family somewhere safer, don't just stand there!

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What did he know?

Had he been there when we'd hoped?

Had he been there holding his breath?

Did he see the leaps of faith?

Did he see..... life end?

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I still hate him

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While the aussie 'ranger' and the collaborators fought over who did what and who saved who,

i phoned the RSPCA

who informed me to leave the duck family alone.... not to traumatise it or move it.... the mother will look after her own...... they will find a way..... wherever they are.

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It's Nature's way

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I passed on the information to dead ears.... salvation and glory was too personal to make a difference.

The 'ranger' and the woman (a respiratory nurse no less) tried to catch the duck family but MD was too canny for them and managed to get a fence between her family and her 'saviours'.

Our 'heros' decided to follow the ducks and make sure that they crossed all the main roads in safety instead... acting as traffic controllers, stopping cars physically if need be...

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I went back to the office

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One of the ducklings is dead.... i announced

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I saw the woman later.... and she said that as far as she knew, the ducks had been on their way to the canal... and safe.

She seemed deflated....

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It's Nature's way.... he said.

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Ok..... i said

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So why do i still feel so sad...........