Walking away from the past.....

....... is hard to do....

But we all have to do it at some point in our lives and sometimes, it's easier not to look back

I've had to do a fair bit of it myself in the last six months or so...... ok, so it's often ended up as a meandering ramble more than just a steadfast walk... but that's women for you..... nothing's ever done in a straight line........... i blame the heels

I suppose the hardest, of sorts, was letting go of an unrequited love i had for someone...... when i say let go, i suppose i really mean ignore.... with me, love has to fade, saying it's not there anymore, just doesn't work, but then i assume that's the same for most. I've finally let go because i've accepted that living in that kind of hope, is more like living in despair..... so the feelings will just sit in the backseat and i'm back in the driving seat with my hand on the proverbial gear stick, so to speak. I wouldn't mind but i can't even drive...... which could explain why i keep finding myself up dead ends and in regular RTAs

Oh well..... drivers tell me that automatic is easier than manual..... and since i've always been a dab hand, literally, at using battery operated devices..... i should be at an advantage, having used a combination of the two for a long time now......er hem....

I've already described my walking away from MS drugs..... and the step into the void that this decision has meant, but little did i think that this void would be such a wide expanse and that i'd be feeling my way across it quite so soon......

Not having established a foothold on this possible gravely slope yet that my health is taking me, i now find myself having to change the location of where i sleep AND where i work........ and it's all happening right NOW......

It's said that moving house is one of the most stressful things to have to do..... but then what happens when you add moving a whole medical library, at the same time, to the equation?

One probably ends up...... cross-legged on the floor...... between the shelves of books..... one hand running it's fingers along the edges of the yellow stained psychiatry texts.... and the other hand..... raised to the mouth...... fingers rapidly strumming lips to the sound of.....blub blub blub blub blub blub.........

So blub blub blub.... i mean, that's where i've been the past week...... well, not running from men in white coats.... YET! but then, they don't wear white coats anymore.......

They say it's because they do not want the patient/client to be intimidated by mental health care staff...... but i know the truth...

It's really because they don't want you to see them coming

But we didn't see them coming............... because they never came.......... or at least stayed

........which is just as well, because if they had, they might have needed coats of armour not white ones......... oh and a net........ a big one......... possibly reinforced

What can i say? Our last Thursday...... our last open for work day EVER on that site..........it is now deceased......... due to be demolished in a matter of weeks.... a dead library.

The Goat (see old guestbook for reference) and i have been there almost 5 years......... and by this i don't mean we've been kept in a crate under the stairs all this time......... we did manage to go home at the end of the working day. We also managed to get through 3 different managers during this time........

Should we take this personally?

Possibly........

Is this a negative?

Possibly........

But the Goat and i survived..... ok, so perhaps it may have had more to do with there not being anyone left that can actually sack us.....

So what does the establishment do? They demolish the building.....

A bit extreme but, even i have to admit..... it's bound to work, even against such worthy adversaries

The weakness in their plan, is that they told us when it's happening......... leaving the Goat and i to return and wreak havoc elsewhere..... and not be picked out of the rabble, bit by bit......

Damn it! I've always wanted to be on the News at Ten..... always wanted my own bong

So Thursday was a day of sadness......... consolidation....... hyperactivity....... laughter and the fervent creation of memories...... most of which belie the established image of librarians..... but epitomised our personal impact on the medical staff, we fondly refered to as punters.....

Oh how we laughed.......

Oh how they laughed.........

Oh how we cried.........

Oh how they cried.........

Oh how they..............reported us for unprofessional behaviour......

But they weren't there to see how unprofessional we were on that fateful Thursday............

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The last time i'd have to try and unknot those fecking evil blinds

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Getting angry and all grrrrr now....

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Pass me the scissors......... and NOT for my wrists....

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Never having pole danced before..... thought it was time to get intimate before leaving

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That's right.... you close your eyes and pretend that no-one could possibly walk into the public place your making a fool of yourself in.....

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And remember........ don't give up on the day job......

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Abject misery.... cack at pole dancing.... having to pack & leaving second home for past 5 years....

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Manic fixed grin.... don't try to stop me.... i can't face leaving!! I can fly.... & if i can't, the men in white coats can catch me....

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My diagnosis as a non-professional is....... err..... i can't fly

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Oh look! NOT dead! Threatening the man in the white coat might not be a good idea.... i DO need a holiday after all.....

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By now, even the man in the white coat decided he didn't get paid enough for this.... er noooooo... you CAN'T leave me!!

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Dragging me across the floor as you try to get away is not big and it's NOT funny! I'm not sure it's professional either.... unlike my behaviour.... obviously

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And so the day ended..... as did our time in the Avery Jones Postgraduate Centre.

Our new location in ACAD is refurbished and has tiled flooring..... which should make my being dragged across the floor a lot easier in future.... and let's be positive! Why pay for a cleaner when you can use a medical librarian instead!

Before leaving.... we thought we'd give the establishment another chance of getting rid of us permanently..... but having already ruined their chances by giving us the demolition dates.... would they spot the obvious target.....

Here's a little clue..... X marks the spot......

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Go on.... shoot the mad cow.....she needs something.... and the tablets obviously aren't working

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I dedicate this blog to The Goat...... who, for the past five years, has been my sounding board, my confidante, my counsellor, my friend and most of all...... the best work colleague i could ever have asked for.

Patient, understanding and a selfless support through all my pain, crises and occasionally, lunatic behaviour.....

Her having the majority of the other photographs of the day, that i NEVER want to be made public..... has absolutely NOTHING to do with the reverence and respect that i have for her

Long live The Goat....... and may i never lose her friendship.......

........ or find she's posted the photos on another website.......

French lessons.......

When i was 11 years old...... i was either a naughty little tinker, intellectually challenged or......... in my own little world...... an undiscovered terrain, untouched by man or beast....... a lone being, unsullied by the grime and filth of modern life.....



Or maybe....... i was just an child idealist

Seeing things as they should be and not as they are.....

Hearing words and not understanding...... not processing....... unthinking.

What's a signifier without its signified ?

They're just words, words, words...... and they can be a dangerous thing without a translator.

And in the hands of an 11 year old.......... they can be just plain embarrassing to look back on!

The red 'est WHO?' is my addition

My french exercise book from a time when my sense of grammar seems to have been as bad as my sense of decency!

But in my defence..... it had only been during the two years preceding this lexionical debacle, that i remembered hearing expletives for the the first time.....

The memory is as clear as day...... no clouds or whiteout blizzards to sully the halcyon idyll......... an innocent in a primary school playground...... suddenly hearing the adjective..... fucking

Of course, i'd heard the word before..... but hearing without meaning is simply being subjected to noise.....

Nothing more....... nothing less.....

The chud-i-di-lug...chud-i-di-lug...chud-i-di-lug...chud-i-di-lug... of your commuter train journey

The gentle breeze of your CPU cooler.....

The background hum of North Circular traffic........ the irritated beeping....

.....until.......

.... the police siren

That one sound, just another noise.... signifies.......

Background to foreground............

........ to playground

"Fucking......"

I heard it lucidly that day......... i was aware that it was a bad word and that my repeating it at home, would mean risking my life.

No-one told me not to say it........

Maybe it was subconscious self-preservation.....

In which case........... why did i write wanker, not once but twice, in my french exercise book only about a year later??

I'm still astounded.....

Not that i wrote it...... but that i got away with it.......... and only with a possibly incomprehensible red circle

Funny thing is, i remember that particular class exceptionally well........ we were asked the questions and had to write the answers, there and then. My french teacher, Françoise Major, was possibly the least eccentric of the middle aged female foreign language teachers that smoked cigars in the dept staff room...... but actually being french, meant that her accent was fluid and faultless......

It's not my fault she made moins le quart sound like............. wanker.........

My transliteration skills, or should that be lack of them, could have got me a conduct report....... but i got away with it then.....

.......... and i'm still getting away with it now.........

Ça Plane Pour Moi.......

............. and STAY where i bury you this time!!





And so i start again....... getting more than a little weary of this stop start life that has been bestowed upon me the past year or so...... although if i will rely on cheap grade petrol to get me through the week and neglect topping up the oil reserves....... what can i expect.


Two weeks ago i made a huge decision.
I stopped injecting myself with the drug Avonex which the NHS had kindly agreed to give me. I'd originally been using Copaxone, which was my daily trial-by-acid as far as i was concerned.
My body obviously objected to having a noxious but possibly life altering fluid in it........ and showed it's reluctance to play the game and disgust by coming up in welts......... painful itchy reddened swellings......... and like everything else on my body......... they were large.

Left arm

Right arm......

Right hip........ landing pad obviously........

Once my old injection sites started flaring up with each new injection........ in sympathy no doubt........ i began to find it difficult to keep up the daily routine

I suppose there was always the thought in my mind that i was risking cellulitis and necrosis....... pits and crevices in the flesh........ rotting the very meat on my bones.......

But i already have niccotine for that!! So having emailed photographs of my decaying skin to my MS nurse...... she agreed that i should change drug........ to something my body may find a little less acrimonious.

And so began my love affair with Avonex.......... on my 39th birthday.

It only lasted 5 weeks....... was hot, fevered, painful, debilitating but hope sprang eternal and kept the passion alive..........

Avonex....... sounding more like a heroic but evil minded character from Blake's Seven......penetrated my body once a week. It was intramuscular, not subcutaneous like Copaxone (or should that be Blake - he really DID used to get under my skin....... boring & irritating *yawn*).

Avonex.......... thicker......... longer......... penetrates deeper........... gives you a fever and unable to walk for days........

What woman in her right mind could say no to that??

Well, as proved by ALL my sexual and romantic liasions AND much of my behaviour of the last 39 years........ i'm not actually IN my right mind. Well, whoever it belongs to... can have it back, since it's no use to me........ although there is the possibility that i'm the one who's squatting......... in which case..... it would explain the crack den illusion i sometimes appear to be living

So having spent 5 days a week of the past 5 weeks.......... riddled with fever, chills that sent my body into spasms and drug induced MS relapses........ i phoned the hospital and surrendered.

See this? It's a white flag

I give up

I'm a coward

I can't fight the good fight anymore...........

Anyway....... it was never a fair fight. Typical of most love affairs, Avonex promised me hope, support and a future. Well............ maybe......... in that there was always the possibility that it wouldn't help at all! Yayy! But the excitement of it all...... the rolling of the metaphorical dice......... the will he, won't he be a good thing for me was too much of a tempatation. As with many women..... i thought, hoped that i was the one.........

But i forgot......

Avon......... was the Sci-Fi baddie of them all *boo hiss*

Cool..........intelligent...... aloof........ not above betraying his every friend and crew......... but most importantly......

Dressed in black.

Avonex......... came in a syringe......... nothing sexy about that............ in fact, sounds more than a little perverted to me.

So in an effort to keep my job, my sanity and keep the bailiffs from my door..... i told Avonex that it was over.

Typically, he took the news well.......... i can only assume that he's moved on to the next patient..... and as far as i'm concerned, he's rolled over and gone to sleep......... permanently.

I've recovered from my daliance with him.......... completely. I heard via my MS nurse, that my consultant was ecstatic that i'd recovered completely from my 5 week torture..... apparently, not everyone does........

Well THAT was news to me!

Think the staff may have neglected to proffer that tiny bit of extraordinarily important information before i started the treatment.........

But hey! It's over......... my affairs with Avon and Blake are dead and buried.. it was all too painful and they were more than i could handle.

So i'm left on my own........ again...... waiting to see what the next roll of the dice gives me.......

Snake eyes, no doubt

Which should suit the old hag body the drugs have left me with very well!

I was sent this picture and it reminded me of me........... or at least, me in a couple of years time....... please let me have been sectioned by then......... and not haunting websites looking for sex or companionship......... desperately seeking happiness in the eyes of others.......

I'd need to be sectioned since........ if i had any sense at all.........

I'd still be wearing stockings....... ok so support stockings may well be the only option open to me at that point.......... oh and a mask obviously.........

But until then........ i'm enjoying the life i have........ and if sex, drugs & rock 'n' roll aren't filling my every friday night from here on in........ well, at least two of those if the other friday is anything to go by......... i AM 39 and getting on....... i get tired... and need to get to bed............ eventually.....

I'm not living at all

Ça Plane Pour Moi.......

Carry On Doctor.... straight to the Green Wing...

...... Mmmmm those glorious moments when you've wanted to do this to someone, or they've probably wanted to do it to you.......




The scene..... a medical library..... focus on clinical librarian, trying to look busy

• Enter right, Respiratory Consultant......extremely imporant.....self-importance dominates....
• Linda.....
• Err.... i'm afraid Linda's not here........
• *Umphh*
• Yes i'm sorry................ but can i help?
• *Pissed off look*
• *Appeasing smile*
• Linda knows
• *Appeasing smile rapidly turning into rabid and irritated grimace*
• *Eyes narrow*
• *Huff*
• She said she'd do it
• Well, i'm afraid i wasn't here then so don't really know what you're referring to *shrug*
• *Impatient sneering & looks around distainfully*
• Vacant customer service smile..... to hide inner KILL! KILL! instinct
• Well, Linda knows
• *Sigh*
• *Smile*
• *Deep breath*
• *Smile*
• Well, i'm afraid Linda's on holiday
• *Hmmmfft rolling of eyes.........*
• *Shrug*
• Straddling
• *Confused grin*
• No...... Skiing
• *Innocent shrug*
• *Annoyed stare*
• BOOK!
• *Trying to control urge to laugh*
• Look, i'm afraid she didn't pass on any information to me, so...... i can't help you really unless........ can you tell me anything more?
• *Pffft*
• Doesn't matter!
• *Distinct growl*
• "EEK! moment..... thoughts of being reported for rude insolence running riot*
• Did you say 'book'?
• *Pleasant ingratiating PLEASE DON'T REPORT ME smile*
• Well YES! Book! Linda told me to come back in a couple of days but it's been months
• *Tries to look professional*
• Well let me look in the office and see if she's left anything there.......
• *Please let there be SOMETHING that tells me wtf he's going on about!!!*
• *Follows closely........ so as not to lose his prey*
• *Finds a pile of books and rifles through them........ desperately*
• Ahhhhhhhhh!
• *Ding dong the witch is dead!!*
• Is THIS what you're referring to?
• *Hopeful smile........please let this be it*
• *Exasperated*
• Yes of course!! Stradling
• *Rolling of eyes and tut for emphasis*
• *Embarrassed laugh*
• Oh god! I'm sorry but when i said Linda had gone on holiday, you just said 'straddling'......... and she really HAS gone skiing..... i just didn't know what you were getting at....
• *Please let him have a sense of humour.... please let him have a sense of humour......*
• *Wry smile*
• Well, she might have gone straddling.......

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Next year.......providing i still have a job..........

i'm going 'straddling' too.............